What in the actual fuck; Does one step at a time actually apply?

What do you do when you feel like you have lost your way? When you feel like your purpose has been hidden away in a part of you, you are no longer in touch with? How do you go on living a meaningful life, when there’s no meaning behind the things you do? How can you provide yourself with a conscious sense of happiness, when you just don’t feel happy? How can you do things with meaning, when everything feels meaningless?

Denial is a beautiful place to be when you’re in fact still in it. The ugly truth comes into play, when you step back and come to terms with the mess that has been created in general but the mess that you piled on because of being in clouds of denial. It’s like being in a fairytale, wandering the lands with no worries and no concerns but around every corner there’s another villain waiting to attach itself to you, some how you seem to miss those corners at the perfect time; until the day finally comes when you can’t ignore and or miss those corners at the perfect time anymore. The time comes when denial exits stage left and now it’s show time, but you didn’t get to practice all your lines or figure out where exactly you are supposed to be standing on stage. The pressure and the fears seem to be all the same, except the curtains don’t close when you freeze, there’s no one back stage to catch on and close out the show.

The show must go on, but what happens if you’re not even sure what show you’re on? When does life become something that’s easier to grasp? When does the way you view the world, and the way you would like to live in your world mesh and make senes? The way you view yourself should be all that matters, as a human we sometimes fall into a rabbit hole and the only way out is the climb out that bitch, dirt and all. The mind fuck of life does in fact not get easier, because there seems to be something that always pops up and test your ability to stay in tack. It’s the way you react, and the way you handle these obstacles that are indeed what determines the turn out. 

Balance in coming out of denial has o be the hardest thing to completely get a grasp on, especially when you’re so used to doing one thing at a time. Working on yourself as a person is a huge responsibility in itself, doing that while trying to take care of your other responsibilities can be overwhelming when you would like to just feel okay first. Having your decisions and mistakes knock you down when you’re already down is like piling on a bunch of rocks and seeing how many would it actually take to keep you down. ROLL OVER and knock them, get the fuck up and handle life as much as you can and allow the rest to come. You can only focus on what you can do, and not what you can’t do because that list may be to long and long lists can be discourgaing. 


Preparation For More; Can abandonment issues from others, create commitment issues within yourself?

No one, and I mean no one ever talks about getting the beautiful things in life you never thought you could have. The unconscious self sabotage we bring upon our selves during the process of life changing. The lack of preparation that can cause chaos where chaos does not live. The overwhelming emotions that flood you when you realize the reality of the situation, and not just the version that plays in your head. Then the acceptance that brings guilt because you cannot in fact change your reaction, as it has already happened. 

Coming from a life where the only thing I looked forward to was for the next ball that was going to drop and moving towards a space where I feel I deserve more than that, i find it very hard for me to grab onto things that are good for me, on the first go around. I find it very hard to see outside of myself, it is in fact very difficult to accept that sometimes there is a hand in front of you, you just need to be willing to grab it. I hide myself when things get stormy because in all honesty the storm is within me. I don’t like exposing my storm to others, because it something I’ve always had to deal with by myself. When will I get comfortable with sharing the parts of me, I was forced to hide, unbeknownst to me.

I don’t find pleasure in showing emotional vulnerability, but I grew okay with showing that ugly in other ways, like my actions and or reactions to others. The older I’ve gotten, the more i realized that showing any ugly wasn’t okay with me, so I grew to hide entirely. I took that lack of fear that I had in showing my reactions toward emotional vulnerability and turned it into lack of fear of being alone and basically running away from my problems in the physical realm as well. At what point does my present reality become the great story, I am happy to run in to?

I guess the libra in me, tries to balance the scales in this life, from having horrible experiences and memories by creating magical moments and experiences to keep me going. I chase moments because I spent most of my life in what felt like one moment. I chase memories that are magical to me and make me feel worthy of this beautiful life, to counteract the lack of memories that get over shadowed by that shattered inner child. I view adulthood so much differently than most people, because I could never imagine myself as one, now I just get to do what I want and not sit in shit. When will I stop trying to prove to myself that there really was so much more to live for, and its okay for me to live slowly, embracing moments and experiences I crave but never could wish for them because they seemed so far fetch. 

There are so many stages to go through in life, with so much to learn and so much to grow from its hard accepting that you already used the key to the next door you’re meant to walk through. Moving towards the things you ask the universe to give you takes so much more than smiles and happy thoughts. With every change we ask for, comes change that also needs to come from within us, dealing with things before you’re forced to can pile on and punch you in the fucking face and I’m still learning to close chapters before I begin reading another. Commitment issues are real when you’re afraid to commit to going through a tunnel to get to a better more brighter you. 

Can abandonment issues from others, create commitment issues within yourself? Can seeing the lack of follow through for you, create a belief system within your own mind that you may not be worthy of the commitment because others could not commit to you. When you’ve been abandoned so much, it seems like the best way to get through life is by abandoning you since it seemed to work so well for others. At what point do we realize that we unconsciously think this way without the harshness of how that actually sounds in truth? I guess the split second everything starts to shatter and fall a part.


Transition is Transcending

 “The process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another.”

When does it get easier? Will it always be something we ignore and just get through because we feel as though, we have no choice? Are we always going to be afraid of our emotions? Or lack their of ways to coup with those emotions in a matter we feel capable and confident in our selves enough to know we will come out of another dark tunnel without clarity of being sane, stronger, more confident. Able to look at ourselves in the mirror and feel good about what we see?

Giving up a piece of you that feels so familiar to us when we think about our inner child being proud, is a part of transitioning in my opinion & that shit is hard! When does noticeable needing of growth become something that doesn’t come without doubt in self? When does that part of self love kick in? Wheather It be accepting that you have amazing talents but you won’t forgive yourself for wasting time? Waiting too long to get done, small things because procrastination has become a way of life?

Moving forward with new love sabotage free, because your past still haunts you in ways you couldn’t even begin to explain without breaking down. At what point does getting off the emotional roller coaster that brings turmoil within our minds become more appealing? I like to think that you just do things when you need to but I want to know, when do we do things because it is right for us. Im no stranger to doing a lot of transitioning in my life, and I can say it is always a process. From coming from a single mother, without a father figure, to the horrors of growing up a vulnerable kid in this world.

To overcoming milestones so big yet the ones so small feel just as important. To taking chances, and learning from my mistakes, traveling places I truly never dreamed of. Starting new lives with myself, learning, accepting, loving, trusting myself along the way. Then becoming a business owner, with a successful business that is loved and cherished by so many, not only amongst my own country but 10 others ones as well. Now moving across the country and trying to adjust to a different way of life, a connected way of life.

It’s different. Transitioning can be so beautiful like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, or a little seed turning into a beautiful flower. Even a lotus flourishes in mud. 


Are we willingly blinding ourselves from ourselves?

I can’t help but to wonder if the saying “it’s too good to be true“ actually means a situation is too good to be true because your mind is playing out your reality how it wants to perceive it? In the sense of being deliousnal to the truth and allowing the imagation to control every sense of logic we may have because finally a piece of what were looking for is finally fitting the puzzle. I also cannot help but to honestly wonder if the saying came from a place of self sabotage. Receiving all that you ask for at a point in time can be really tricky, yes; but could the hardest part about accepting this be that we don’t actually feel worthy of having it. 

As i sit back and reflect on the life i once lived, waiting for different days, different routines, different dreams, hoping to reach different goals. I compare the life i dreamed of, to the life i have been able to attain, but it doesnt  seems to be enough. Will any of it ever be enough to move forward without desires that feel out of grasp? Or is that just apart of life and the growth we are meant to overcome to learn more about ourselves and what we truly want in this lifetime. Ive learned through the years that you only know as much as you know, and although its been one of the best things for me to personally accept because it has in fact helped me feel freedom enough to explore avenues i never would’ve imagined that i would; it also leaves me stuck after the high of the new advanture has ended feeling as though whats next?

Is it a part of living in the moment? What happens when the moment is over and you feel as though you’ve missed the train? What happens when you look back and don’t give yourself enough praise? Outside of taking away visible greatness and achievement from yourself, does that actually cause you to pause until you learn to do so? These unanswered questions keep me up at night, and i wonder if they keep you up too?


Take with you in 2020 🖤🌹✨

I really have a great life, and I don’t express that enough. I am so grateful for all that I have been able to achieve in this life. The people who are around me, the times I’ve spent loving on myself, growing myself, evolving as a human, as a women, as a spiritual being. The way I’ve been able to change my view on life & make the best of anything that comes my way is a gift in it self. I am grateful for all but most importantly I am grateful for me. I’ve seen days people wouldn’t wish on another but I’ve also seen days people dream of. My glass is always half full, because something is always in it and I use it for what I need in that moment. I can go on and on, the one thing I want everyone to accept from this day on.

Let go. Allow room for more, more growth, more perspective, more vision, more empathy, more vulnerability, more laughter, more forgiveness, more self acknowledgement, more forgiveness and most importantly more self love. Give your life room to flourish, what you have is not all that you will have. Let go of the things that no longer serve your END GOAL, that’s the main goal.

Fear nothing, Acknowledge, & Accept.
You cannot change things that will happen, you cannot go back in time and change things that have happened. You can only control every moment that you are present in, remember that. Why are you reliving your past trauma, past hurt, past abuse, past rape, past assaults, past hardships, past financial burdens? You’re creating all this negative emotion in your own mind. Your mind is how you view the world, clear up some fog. YOU DESERVE IT. You deserve to be excited for the next thing, understand that life will always test you not on purpose but your self control and your inner peace is how you pass each and every time. YOU’RE ACCOUNTABLE FOR THAT. Live freely, live carelessly, live like a bird in the sky wondering its surroundings. Live logically, live considerately, live respectfully to the things you find give life back to you. LIVE to your standards of happiness, only.

Forgive and move on. Forgiveness isn’t saying the person was correct, the situation was deserved. Forgiveness is telling the inner you that you’re sorry they had to experience that situation because you understand that you cannot control anything outside of you, you can only control what you accept from that day forth. And now with that experience you’ve grown a new sense of I got you, to you. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you’re in acceptance of a incorrect situation forgiveness is accepting that you cannot change what happened but you can change what is about to happen. Promise yourself to hold yourself to a higher standard, because you’ve learned something from everything you’ve ever had to over come. Move different, get different. 🖤

Lastly, honestly just love. Fuck the bullshit, keep it pushing and just love. Your heart doesn’t deserve the burden of your mind holding on to things you cannot control or change. Stop torturing yourself, acknowledge and work towards positive logical solution toward happiness again. Be happy or walk away. Walk out of hell and welcome to heaven on earth. 🖤✨🖤
You are the universe, as a creator.
Make your art.

Raven-Lewis. 🌹

Enjoy nature more, feed your soul honey.