I Stopped Surviving & Started Living.

I spoke to an old friend Sunday night and they reminded me of the beauty of this life, in a sense that I didn’t seem to acknowledge. Well aware of it all, but never actually acknowledging, what I am currently doing. Changing the world is changing yourself, and within that, the reflection of a part of you, can then allow one to resonate with a piece of who you are and follow within the same light. Ive learned that what you put out, is what you get; how you perceive it, is how you will receive it. Although it all seems normal to me, because of the mass change that I’ve been able to create for myself, I don’t see what I am actually doing.

Last night I learned the importance of taking a minute to pause and say, What you’re doing? What are you thinking? Why you’re thinking it? How else can you think of it? Can you make it positive? Can you think of it in a way that doesn’t reflect, you’re morpped percepection?, but solely taking it for what it is. I’ve taken time out today to sit and think, not to reflect but to think on my actions, to think on my words, to think of my reasoning, to think on life, the life that I’ve created. I cannot say that I have regrets, because I don’t. I truly feel as though everything that has happened and everything that i’ve done, was meant to happen exactly that way.

To me regret means, I want something to change within the present time, and that couldn’t be farther from the truth, I am grateful for where I am, I am proud of where I am as a human being first, a women, and the spiritual being that I’ve grown to fall in love with everyday. Every moment leading up to today, has created a lesson, experience, an insight, into who I truly want to become in this world. Although the path was always in front of me, I can’t say that I saw any of this coming. I say that to say, in moments we take in what other people project, not realizing the way we originally projected it, was perfectly fine for us.

Within projection, its easy to get lost, when you have no idea that you’re broken, vulnerable, angry, hurt, disappointed, and whole hearted not in love with yourself first. Years of taking in what other people had to say, how they saw a situation, how they felt something would turn out, not listening to my true intuition, my needs, my wants. I was never fullest able to develop a life of my own. A life of my own, meaning seeing life how Id like to see, feel it, trust it, live in it, believe in it. I lived my life hating myself, because all I heard was what people hated about me, and I started to hate myself.

At some point in this life, I forgot who I was, I forgot how to love myself, I forgot how to acknowledge myself, my strength, my wisdom, my worth, my value, my beauty, my mind, and all of the amazing things I look in the mirror today & fall in love with. For years, people have projected their bits and pieces of perception of me, on to me and with all the strength I hold, I couldn’t seem to project it on to myself. Years of, you’re fat, you’re lazy, you’re dumb, you’re not good enough, you shouldn’t be this way, you shouldn’t do that, don’t cry too much, you’re weak, you’re a piece of shit, wish you weren’t here, I hate you, don’t dress like that, you’re different, you don’t listen, you’re angry, you’re a bitch, you’re not girly enough, you’re not pretty enough, you’re hairy, etc.

None of those things were true, none of those things were me, truly I was sad, I was hurt, I was disappointed, I was alone, I was taken advantage of, I barely was told that I was loved, I was left, I was abandoned, I was hated, I was beaten, I was abused, mentally, physically, & emotionally; I was seen as an outsider, and all those things I became. I was defeated in the bits of realities of others, and I fully lost my own. It was easier to be what everyone said I was, than to face my reasoning for feeling like a normal kid, child, adult should’ve at the time. It was easier to ignore my truth and to just hide from it, it was easier not to face that life hasn’t always been easy for me, and after a while I gave up hope, and I truly just waited for the next bad thing to happen.

I stopped living long ago, and I was just alive. I was walking on earth everyday of my life for years upon years, just doing what I was told, what I was supposed to do, and occupying, my time with bullshit that kept me in a robotic state. I had to work, I had to pay bills, I had to be careful that I didn’t fall into debt, I had to smile, I had to pretend that I wasn’t human, I had to pretend I didn’t have my own reality to face, to be okay with. I couldn’t love the way I wanted, because it was never good enough, I didn’t know enough, I had to listen or I was rude, and ungrateful.

I was so damaged mentally,  and that truly dictated how I lived my life. Everyday I ate foods that made me feel worse, made me fat, made me lazy, made me angry, made me more sad. Everyday i’d sit in front of a TV for hours, exposing myself to hate, angry, fear, the fact that I wasn’t good enough in the perception of others perfection. Everyday I was hidden in my shell, I wouldn’t speak up, id keep to myself, and what in my mind was, protecting myself because everyone was the same, everyone thought the same, everyone felt the same, I truly walked outside with the thought of being all the negative things anyone has ever told me I was. I was never good enough, years of hurt walked along side me, and I never truly felt I deserved better. I wasn’t living, I was surviving.

I kept living, I kept doing things I loved, I kept little pieces of me alive. Without the acknowledgment that I am such an amazing, talented, beautiful, caring, giving, easy to fall in love with, funny, inspiring, honest, genuine, wise, person. I did things, and I did them amazingly, whole heartedly, in my mind they were never good enough, but I did them anyways, and those little pieces of me, are what I was able to grab onto, take a hold of, & see them for what they were, who I was; and slowly find my own life. My own reality, my own perception, my own thoughts of who I am, who I wanted to be what I deserve, and so much more. and that is how I became to be the women I am today, the women who inspires.

Although I was defeated, I never stopped doing little things I loved. I was able to grab on to the rope I was slowly tying for myself, and instead of hanging myself, I fucking saved myself. I viewed life with a different set of goggles, I viewed life how I always viewed it, with pure love and innocence, before others dragged their own living hell into my mind. I saved myself because I felt I needed to, I had no idea who I was, or who I would become, but look at this goddess of a women, i’ve been able to evolved into, acknowledge, love, and live with for the rest of my days. I never truly knew what it was to be happy. I was just stuck, holding onto things that made me happy for a moment. Happiness within is now wit me forever, and thats when I started living. she’s alive.

Raven-Lewis.

The Art of Letting Go & Living Life to your Fullest Potential.

I am in Hawaii 🤙🏽

One of things you hear often, but can never imagine it to be possible. One of those things you hear often, but can’t seem to understand the concept of letting go of all you have, because at the time, it is all that you have; in your mind.

Possession is probably one of the most toxic things, I can say most people are held captive of within themselves. Coming to a head space of understanding that, if holding on to all that you have in a moment, is causing you any form of negativity, that’s when it’s time to let it go. Allowing for life to flow, flow within you, freely will bring you more than you could ever imagine.

Bringing me to my present reality, with a lot of second thoughts, tears, fears, years of old habits that I’ve come to realize, no longer service me within a higher purpose. When I say higher purpose, I say it in the most humbling way, a higher way of life, a happier smile, a brighter light, a better look in the mirror at myself, seeing myself for who I truly am, all came to me after allowing for life to flow, to adopt with me.

As time went on in this life of mine, slowly I let go, I let go of ideas, I let go of concepts, I let go of habits, I let go of old knowledge, I let go of attachments, I let go of anything that felt normal. Normal for me was killing me slowly inside, taking the light with it, my days became dark, my days became shorter, yet longer.

Allowing for things to go, opened the door for things to come, things I never knew I wanted, needed, could know, could see, could experience, could even be possible. I am currently in Hawaii, with a large suitcase, a travel size suitcase and a book bag. I’ve never been happier in this life, with so little, with so much “loss” I can truly say I’ve never smiled harder, brighter, louder, prouder.

Now if you have no idea who I am, you have no idea what it took to get here today. Long story short, it took letting go of any form of possession, I felt was needed for me to hold on to what I had, because for some reason I couldn’t imagine that i could have more, that I deserved more.

I had to give up the idea of the marriage I thought I wanted, the idea of a stable job, the idea of all the bullshit Ive collective throughout the years of independence. I had to give up the idea that because I worked for it, it had to be and stay mine. I learned and accepted that, anytime I put into anything, didn’t add up to the time I have left to make more happen.

I had to give up the idea of thinking that, because it was mine, it should always be. I adopted the new idea of, appreciation for things within the present moment, and acknowledging that anything that comes after will always be better. Solely because acknowledging that yesterday was an experience, and tomorrow will always be a day for me to use that.

An easy way of thinking? Absolutely not, at the time, I thought I was going crazy, sometimes I think I was slowly becoming crazy and the process of changing was what helped me save myself from drowning in a life, that truly wasn’t what I envisioned for my future.

I started to live my life for the person I WANT to become, and not the person I was. I let go of who I was, so that I can forgive myself for allowing, accepting, going along, and thinking less than, was better than nothing.

Raven-Lewis.

march 8th ’19

IMG_0028March 8th this post was lost in my drafts

March 24th this photo was taken

I used to look at girls that loved getting dressed, and changing outfits, and love shopping, and would say, WHY! Why do they love this so much, and I hate it. I find it funny how, I’m one of those girls now, I’m no girly girl, but I do like to find clothes, and find my style, and dress how I feel, and look how I want to look. The ability to have more options when it comes to clothing, I mean it feels amazing! Obviously I wish I could’ve felt this way, when I was a little over 50lbs heavier, but I’m here now and I’m better than ever.

 

I just ordered a couple pieces to put things together, with my clothes that fit me bigger, since I don’t want to buy a whole new wardrobe, because I don’t plan to stay at this size. These clothes won’t fit me either, so I ordered a couple things and I fell in love! I already feel the difference in how I look in the mirror and feel. My thoughts are different, the way I move is different. I’m still me, I’m just a better more confident me. I feel power in that, I feel power in the little things, I see my accomplishments as the greatest thing to feel, and in that I love myself more for striving for more.

 

You’re only as good as the people around you, that goes with everything in life, negative people, content people, wealthy people, wise people, etc. I’m choosing who I want to be everyday, and not everyone can come on this journey with me, and that’s okay. Never lose track of the fact that, your life, is yours to create. You are the universe because you’re a part of it, you create your own reality! I like to think I am my own god. As crazy as that sounds! I am a goddess on my own, and I’ll never settle for less than.

 

Raven-Lewis. 🖤🌹

I Am Moving.

I’m moving, there I said. I am freaking moving!! On my last day of work, Saturday morning I woke up and the decision was final. I sent a text message to all of my coworkers and I let them know where I will be going. Also on my last day, I got on the metro north, I went to the city and I then told my family that I was moving and where I was going.

Sunday morning I woke up with my family, we all had a little sleepover at my grandmothers house. It was a surreal moment for me, I don’t normally spend time with my family often, and Sunday morning and day were perfect. I drove back to Connecticut with my mother my sister because I needed to pack my clothes, and get ready to go out with my friends I met at work ( my other family) to celebrate my last day and me moving.

So I came upstairs and my roommate was here and I whined about how I have to pack all my stuff and throw away everything, actually these clothes are the last piece of my old life that I have. It’s sad to think of it sometimes but honestly I feel happy, I feel excited, I feel a burden lifted off of me, I feel free. As I sit here and look at the piles of clothes and I how I separated them, how there are plenty of things here that I still haven’t worn, they have tags, I literally just sit here and think holy shit, I worked to purchase all of this and for what.

It validates me, in knowing that I made the best decision for me. I’m moving, And it doesn’t feel real and I’ve come to acknowledge that it only doesn’t feel real because I’m still here and here is where I need to be right now, finish up what I need to finish up, open my mind up to my new reality because I only decided on Saturday morning.

It’s all happening faster than I expected but it’s all happening at the perfect time, and I can’t believe this is what I’ve turn my life into. I never would’ve actually said I was moving and actually did it. My life is changing before my eyes and as I sit here I can’t help but think that I did that. I made a choice, I made choices, every single choice that I made has led me here, and that’s what I have control over.

I have control over the choices that I make because they’re all mine, sometimes you get mixed up and you get caught up in temptation and things get fun, and you lose yourself, a little bit in the second, you enjoy yourself, but the key is to not actually lose yourself but to just lose yourself in the moment. So you can enjoy it, understanding that a moment is just that, is more power than anything you can ever imagine.

So now I’m ready to move, I’m ready for this new life. I’m ready for this new climate, I’m ready for this new culture, I’m ready for this new family, I’m ready for this new look on the world.

P.S I will be keeping the destination to myself for a little bit longer since I just decided, and my friends and family know. For now that seems good enough for me. When you tell someone you’re moving you get bombarded with questions, it’s exciting it’s new it’s news people are happy for you it’s all great, but in explaining it over and over again, I don’t get to enjoy it within myself so I’m going to do that for a while and I can’t wait to show you guys this journey because that is exactly what it will be.

Raven-Lewis. ✨🌹🖤

June 25th 2019

to my husband to be in 6 days.

we’re so close

but we’re far from the end

you bring a different kind of joy

a different type of hope

a different type of love and look on this life

you take me for everything that I am

every part

every past

and every phase

you support my dreams and ideas

like no one has

ever

family or friends

you are my best friend

you are the laugh that explodes in my ears

the smile that rises like the sunrise

the eyes that can travel through my soul

and the touch I wait for

you’re a king

and everyday you teach and treat me like a queen

– i do

R.L Mason love

June 19th 2017

I spent some of this day trying to force myself to be sad, since today is my two year wedding anniversary and I’ve been separated from my husband, for over a year. Aside from the fact that i would’ve loved to have been divorced by now, I’m crazy for thinking I’m supposed to be sad. My husband walking out on me, was the best thing that could’ve happened to me. I truly took something, and created a rebirth within myself so powerful, that I’m still shocked.

From now on, divorced or not, I’ll forever celebrate June 25th as the day that was meant to start my path through a healing so powerful, I had to forgive myself. In order for me to realize instead of, “ why, why me? Why did this happen “ I had to actually say to myself, “it happened, because you allowed it.” Did you deserve it? Absolutely not, no one does.

I also had to had a conversation with self and ask myself, “ why are you so damaged that you allow less than you deserve? Why are you so damaged that you’re afraid someone is going to leave, so you settle? Why don’t you think you’re good enough to fight for? Why the fuck do you continue to allow such behavior from people you give love too?” Why are you allowing for people to take and drain you, and never give anything in return?”

I needed to heal myself, I needed to heal that little girl that was hurt, I married my dad ( not literally but literally ) I truly married someone that was exactly like my dad. Daddy issues on another level, but I needed to acknowledge and accept my reality! I took that and created my own beautiful journey for a year that has changed my entire life. I’ve taken my name to another level, but a Raven I am, and a Raven I will be. Free bird, today I celebrate freedom. Mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual freedom. Happy Anniversary Travis lol

Raven-Lewis. ✨🖤🌹