A mom at the beach, with her husband and kids.

Today life hit me, and it hit me hard straight across the face. I couldn’t pin point what was wrong with me, so I googled, do i have a mental illness? Every single mistake, every single choice I’ve made, every single moment from my past that scarred me, came all at once. I can’t lie, I was losing my mind. Hurt couldn’t stay hurt because so easily it turned into anger. It was hard to breath, and I couldn’t stop questioning, me.

To feel like, your life has no purpose, when you’ve just recently found your purpose. Makes life feel just a bit meaningless, and I can’t lie when I say I felt all so helpless. I couldn’t think of another tomorrow, I couldn’t think of the next hour. It all escalated really quickly, and my entire life felt like a burden. I was a burden to myself, not only because of myself, but because of every person I’ve ever loved.

People hurt people, and that’s just how life happens. It may not always be on purpose, but it doesn’t hurt any less. Everyone has problems, and a long list of things, some wish they never did, and some of those things they needed to do, not to hurt someone else, but to solely save themselves. I’ve saved a lot of people, and maybe I’ve been living waiting for someone to save me.

Every person, I’ve ever believed in, every person I’ve ever saw more in, every person I’ve given to, Including my husband. Normally I’ll just sit at home, and wallow in my sadness and just watch time go by, as every minute turns into depression. I told myself a week ago, that I would never let my presence go. That I would stay in the moment, and fight for every breath, even though honestly and truly, I’m tired of fighting to live.

I lose myself easily, and I think it’s because I feel too much, but then I get more sad because there’s more moments, than that, that I feel nothing at all. There’s no other way for me to explain this, other than to say, my life is such a mess. It’s full of hurt, and Clutter, and I focus on that sometimes and forget, that’s there’s so much more to life, for me, to be discovered.

For the first time in my life, I stopped this moment, from becoming a cycle, I’m all to familiar with. I got off my red couch, got dressed and went to the gym. On the way to the gym, I stopped at Whole Foods, got some fruit and a drink. Walked to the gym, walked and ran the hurt away. Thirty-five minutes later my doubt, is still so deep within, and I knew I couldn’t go home because, it would all just start over again.

Now with out getting into specifics, I came to the place where I was last my happiest. Being that I’m not from my town, I came to the beach, this is the place I got married. I walked the exact path, walk on the exact bridge. Leading me to sand I was, oh so familiar with. I sat down, in my gym clothes, sneakers and all, I grab my water and my fruit, then began to relax.

There were two little kids, a boy and a girl. I didn’t realize they were next to me. Until he threw a bucket of water, Into the sand ditch they build, fell water and seashells, and in that very moment I realized I don’t actually need help. At least for mental illness that is. I realized that life is only as hard as you make it, and that kid was enjoying the hell out of his. His little sister walking back and forth with seaweed, and later on they made some seaweed soup.

I’ve been sitting at this beach for an hour now, and that overwhelming emotion went away. Now I can think, I can think clearly, and now I can breath oh so freely. Two little kids at the beach, saved a random stranger from herself and they probably will never know it. Thank you to their mom, for not making me feel weird, for staring at her kids, build with their imagination and teach me to just live.

Raven-Lewis.

🥀.

Photos below are of today, I hope you enjoy the view, that helped me live.

My wedding day, June 25th 2017.

Today’s view of the spot I got married in.

Standing in the spot I stood, on my wedding day.

My fruit and water.

The ditch that started it all.

The beautiful family, that had no idea they helped me today.

Life is like trying to hold sand, you have to keep reaching and grabbing for it.

Hope you watch this video, and find peace tonight.

How I turnt Zumba into a strength after a trigger.

T R I G G E R

( this is a video from that moment and day )

First I’m gonna start by saying to my fellow survivors, go the fuck in you beautiful warrior. This post is about July 5th 2018, at 7:45pm. I decided to take a Zumba class at the edge fitness. A couple minutes into the class I wanted nothing more, than to walk out the door and go home. I tapped into every single piece of strength in my body at that moment to stay. Writing this current post, I can say I am extremely happy and proud that I stayed.

Class started, and I warming up with everyone around me, and out of no where, it was like a slap in the face. My Zumba instructor looked like my rapist. Now when I say he looked like him, was he his twin? No but he sure did look like he could be his brother. Did I panic because I thought the instructor knew him? No I panicked because instead of seeing a Zumba instructor, I saw the man that took a piece of me without permission.

I felt weak and strong all in one emotion, I wanted to grab my stuff and leave, but the strength in me told me over, and over again to pull it together and keep going. See, it’s not about a dance class, it’s why I even decided to go to this dance class. Why I woke up this morning determined to go to a class that was scheduled two hours, after finishing my shift at work.

If I would’ve walked out, he would’ve won. He would’ve won again, and he would’ve took from me, a piece of my self love journey. He would’ve been more than a memory, more than a moment in time, more than a Tuesday in October. I fought the tears, and at times I just let them flow but I danced with my soul. This instructor will, probably never see this a day in his life, but I want to thank him.

I want to thank him for his path, and for his journey. I want to thank him for being an amazing instructor, and giving me a piece of the beauty, I’ve been fighting to get back. I want to thank him, because now when I look in the mirror, with this moment I’ll know the warrior in me will always fight back. Thank you for making me feel beauty, in the way I move my body, thank you for giving me the courage to walk up to the mirror and watch myself move.

Dirty mirror! Sorry, but I just felt so beautiful after this class, and even posting this today I feel so beautiful looking at that girl!

Raven-Lewis.

🥀.

my story. 🥀

( I don’t recognize that little girl, and I can’t remember the last time I did. )

My life has been a hurricane, to me at least. Every life lesson I have ever had, never ended without me being hurt, or me hurting someone else. With that I have finally, finally realized that love is the most powerful emotion we have to offer, and so many people, even many of us, have turned it into such a horrible symbolic emotion, and the part that bugs me out is the fact that, a lot of us don’t even know we’re doing it, nor do we know what real positive, respectful, powerful, energetically amazing for your soul that love can be.

I now realize that, love , love has never been to positive for me. I feel love and I know love but I know the love that destroys people, captures them and crushes people. The love that is pasted down by generations of hurt people that never got the opportunity to be truly happy ( hope you get what I mean by this. ) and had families and passed down hurt, and anger, as love and laughter. I don’t want to live my life like this, and I never want to pass this on to my future children.

Love created me, but I think the two people who loved each other, didn’t know how to communicate their love properly, and by the time it all ended it was just to far gone, and a little too late. I just got caught up in their web, that honestly has hurt me, and broken me down to my core, many, many times before, and even thou I know this, I hope they always know that I never blame them for not teaching me, the things they didn’t learn or couldn’t of known.

Love has abandoned me, more times than I can ever count. And abandonment turned into,me looking for love from someone else, while I was way to young to be searching for anything. At 12 years old love, deceived me and became a crime in the hands of a man that is more than double my age. Oh that man!!!!! That man turnt love into a lush and angry so pure, that I turned it into a “ power “ to hurt other guys, just because I could, with my love “ lust”.

And then the emptiness kicked in, and I was ready for a love that I could make a home out of, but the problem with our love ( my first love ) was? We were screwed up, we were both looking for parents in one another. My father in another state, and his mom no longer here with us. We loved as pure as we knew how, but it just wasn’t enough. We weren’t aware enough, for it to be a successful story, and we both left hurt.

When that hurt turnt into anger, and plain old pain, I was still searching, and that’s exactly what I did. Oh my god, I found a guy that was different, he was so pure, godly kind of pure. He cared, he felt his emotions proudly, he listened, and he always showed up. I got a winner baby, and right out of high school I thought I was set honey, I was like yes!!!! No more searching. I ruined him, such a pure soul and In turn he ruined me and any future I thought could be gold.

Oh and in that ruin, I think the universe knew that could the last straw on this camels back child cause, unfortunately my mother was in a car crash, and the guilt and the anger and the sadness, didn’t matter anymore. My love started to turn over a little bit. Too something, something a little pure again, that left the doors of hopefulness open for me. I swear the universe is so goddamn mysterious, because to make a long story short. I met my husband, in a way that would typically be almost impossible. And here we are.

Raven-Lewis.

🥀

What’s the point?

cropped-rosepp2.jpg

What’s the point? Seriously I mean, what is the point, of starting a blog? Why do I feel as though I even need to start a blog? Who am I talking to? What is the actual point?

First I’m gonna start by saying, that at 24 years old, I have finally found my true purpose. The point of this blog is for me to live my truth, follow my journey and express the trials and tribulations as well. I hope to be a voice for any human in this earth, that needs to feel like they need to relate, if they feel alone, they will know they aren’t.

Finding my purpose has not been easy, and boy oh freaking boy has it been a ride. So welcome, welcome to my life. Welcome to my purpose. You will get to know, my journey to finding my purpose as well as the affects of it, and the ways I am working toward over coming and being stronger.

Enjoy this journey with me, and maybe one day I’ll be able to guide you through yours. Keep me updated with your journey as much as I am. Let’s create art, and live our truths.

Raven-Lewis.

🥀.