No one, and I mean no one ever talks about getting the beautiful things in life you never thought you could have. The unconscious self sabotage we bring upon our selves during the process of life changing. The lack of preparation that can cause chaos where chaos does not live. The overwhelming emotions that flood you when you realize the reality of the situation, and not just the version that plays in your head. Then the acceptance that brings guilt because you cannot in fact change your reaction, as it has already happened.
Coming from a life where the only thing I looked forward to was for the next ball that was going to drop and moving towards a space where I feel I deserve more than that, i find it very hard for me to grab onto things that are good for me, on the first go around. I find it very hard to see outside of myself, it is in fact very difficult to accept that sometimes there is a hand in front of you, you just need to be willing to grab it. I hide myself when things get stormy because in all honesty the storm is within me. I don’t like exposing my storm to others, because it something I’ve always had to deal with by myself. When will I get comfortable with sharing the parts of me, I was forced to hide, unbeknownst to me.
I don’t find pleasure in showing emotional vulnerability, but I grew okay with showing that ugly in other ways, like my actions and or reactions to others. The older I’ve gotten, the more i realized that showing any ugly wasn’t okay with me, so I grew to hide entirely. I took that lack of fear that I had in showing my reactions toward emotional vulnerability and turned it into lack of fear of being alone and basically running away from my problems in the physical realm as well. At what point does my present reality become the great story, I am happy to run in to?
I guess the libra in me, tries to balance the scales in this life, from having horrible experiences and memories by creating magical moments and experiences to keep me going. I chase moments because I spent most of my life in what felt like one moment. I chase memories that are magical to me and make me feel worthy of this beautiful life, to counteract the lack of memories that get over shadowed by that shattered inner child. I view adulthood so much differently than most people, because I could never imagine myself as one, now I just get to do what I want and not sit in shit. When will I stop trying to prove to myself that there really was so much more to live for, and its okay for me to live slowly, embracing moments and experiences I crave but never could wish for them because they seemed so far fetch.
There are so many stages to go through in life, with so much to learn and so much to grow from its hard accepting that you already used the key to the next door you’re meant to walk through. Moving towards the things you ask the universe to give you takes so much more than smiles and happy thoughts. With every change we ask for, comes change that also needs to come from within us, dealing with things before you’re forced to can pile on and punch you in the fucking face and I’m still learning to close chapters before I begin reading another. Commitment issues are real when you’re afraid to commit to going through a tunnel to get to a better more brighter you.
Can abandonment issues from others, create commitment issues within yourself? Can seeing the lack of follow through for you, create a belief system within your own mind that you may not be worthy of the commitment because others could not commit to you. When you’ve been abandoned so much, it seems like the best way to get through life is by abandoning you since it seemed to work so well for others. At what point do we realize that we unconsciously think this way without the harshness of how that actually sounds in truth? I guess the split second everything starts to shatter and fall a part.