I spoke to an old friend Sunday night and they reminded me of the beauty of this life, in a sense that I didn’t seem to acknowledge. Well aware of it all, but never actually acknowledging, what I am currently doing. Changing the world is changing yourself, and within that, the reflection of a part of you, can then allow one to resonate with a piece of who you are and follow within the same light. Ive learned that what you put out, is what you get; how you perceive it, is how you will receive it. Although it all seems normal to me, because of the mass change that I’ve been able to create for myself, I don’t see what I am actually doing.
Last night I learned the importance of taking a minute to pause and say, What you’re doing? What are you thinking? Why you’re thinking it? How else can you think of it? Can you make it positive? Can you think of it in a way that doesn’t reflect, you’re morpped percepection?, but solely taking it for what it is. I’ve taken time out today to sit and think, not to reflect but to think on my actions, to think on my words, to think of my reasoning, to think on life, the life that I’ve created. I cannot say that I have regrets, because I don’t. I truly feel as though everything that has happened and everything that i’ve done, was meant to happen exactly that way.
To me regret means, I want something to change within the present time, and that couldn’t be farther from the truth, I am grateful for where I am, I am proud of where I am as a human being first, a women, and the spiritual being that I’ve grown to fall in love with everyday. Every moment leading up to today, has created a lesson, experience, an insight, into who I truly want to become in this world. Although the path was always in front of me, I can’t say that I saw any of this coming. I say that to say, in moments we take in what other people project, not realizing the way we originally projected it, was perfectly fine for us.
Within projection, its easy to get lost, when you have no idea that you’re broken, vulnerable, angry, hurt, disappointed, and whole hearted not in love with yourself first. Years of taking in what other people had to say, how they saw a situation, how they felt something would turn out, not listening to my true intuition, my needs, my wants. I was never fullest able to develop a life of my own. A life of my own, meaning seeing life how Id like to see, feel it, trust it, live in it, believe in it. I lived my life hating myself, because all I heard was what people hated about me, and I started to hate myself.
At some point in this life, I forgot who I was, I forgot how to love myself, I forgot how to acknowledge myself, my strength, my wisdom, my worth, my value, my beauty, my mind, and all of the amazing things I look in the mirror today & fall in love with. For years, people have projected their bits and pieces of perception of me, on to me and with all the strength I hold, I couldn’t seem to project it on to myself. Years of, you’re fat, you’re lazy, you’re dumb, you’re not good enough, you shouldn’t be this way, you shouldn’t do that, don’t cry too much, you’re weak, you’re a piece of shit, wish you weren’t here, I hate you, don’t dress like that, you’re different, you don’t listen, you’re angry, you’re a bitch, you’re not girly enough, you’re not pretty enough, you’re hairy, etc.
None of those things were true, none of those things were me, truly I was sad, I was hurt, I was disappointed, I was alone, I was taken advantage of, I barely was told that I was loved, I was left, I was abandoned, I was hated, I was beaten, I was abused, mentally, physically, & emotionally; I was seen as an outsider, and all those things I became. I was defeated in the bits of realities of others, and I fully lost my own. It was easier to be what everyone said I was, than to face my reasoning for feeling like a normal kid, child, adult should’ve at the time. It was easier to ignore my truth and to just hide from it, it was easier not to face that life hasn’t always been easy for me, and after a while I gave up hope, and I truly just waited for the next bad thing to happen.
I stopped living long ago, and I was just alive. I was walking on earth everyday of my life for years upon years, just doing what I was told, what I was supposed to do, and occupying, my time with bullshit that kept me in a robotic state. I had to work, I had to pay bills, I had to be careful that I didn’t fall into debt, I had to smile, I had to pretend that I wasn’t human, I had to pretend I didn’t have my own reality to face, to be okay with. I couldn’t love the way I wanted, because it was never good enough, I didn’t know enough, I had to listen or I was rude, and ungrateful.
I was so damaged mentally, and that truly dictated how I lived my life. Everyday I ate foods that made me feel worse, made me fat, made me lazy, made me angry, made me more sad. Everyday i’d sit in front of a TV for hours, exposing myself to hate, angry, fear, the fact that I wasn’t good enough in the perception of others perfection. Everyday I was hidden in my shell, I wouldn’t speak up, id keep to myself, and what in my mind was, protecting myself because everyone was the same, everyone thought the same, everyone felt the same, I truly walked outside with the thought of being all the negative things anyone has ever told me I was. I was never good enough, years of hurt walked along side me, and I never truly felt I deserved better. I wasn’t living, I was surviving.
I kept living, I kept doing things I loved, I kept little pieces of me alive. Without the acknowledgment that I am such an amazing, talented, beautiful, caring, giving, easy to fall in love with, funny, inspiring, honest, genuine, wise, person. I did things, and I did them amazingly, whole heartedly, in my mind they were never good enough, but I did them anyways, and those little pieces of me, are what I was able to grab onto, take a hold of, & see them for what they were, who I was; and slowly find my own life. My own reality, my own perception, my own thoughts of who I am, who I wanted to be what I deserve, and so much more. and that is how I became to be the women I am today, the women who inspires.
Although I was defeated, I never stopped doing little things I loved. I was able to grab on to the rope I was slowly tying for myself, and instead of hanging myself, I fucking saved myself. I viewed life with a different set of goggles, I viewed life how I always viewed it, with pure love and innocence, before others dragged their own living hell into my mind. I saved myself because I felt I needed to, I had no idea who I was, or who I would become, but look at this goddess of a women, i’ve been able to evolved into, acknowledge, love, and live with for the rest of my days. I never truly knew what it was to be happy. I was just stuck, holding onto things that made me happy for a moment. Happiness within is now wit me forever, and thats when I started living. she’s alive.