“The beginning of the end.”
The best year of my life, was literally the year that almost killed me. I almost lost my shit, I’m not gonna lie, I lost my shit. Mentally, physically, spiritually, in literally every way possible. One by one, things were just gone, and I could do absolutely nothing, but watch it destroy me slowly. 2017 I found as much spiritually as I ever had. I found out about self love and I started practicing. I found my desire for change.
So, walking into 2018 with my life “complete”, that’s what I thought! I can only laugh now, honestly. I thought I had it figured out, I have all the tools to change my life, it’s right here. It’s all in my hand. Shit was SNATCHED! Anyways, walking into 2018 Married, lost of some weight, foot in the door of my spirituality, a sense of knowing I need to love myself, a career. All in all, it all meant absolutely nothing because I didn’t NEED these things to survive, at that time.
I was surviving, like I always did. Only this time, I had my own “family”, which to be honest is and has always been my biggest fear. Where will fear get you? Shit, listen to this! I’ve always had fear in my heart, whenever I thought of “my family”, meaning the family I create for myself as an adult. I’ve always had a negative thought, never possible. Fear based of course. I’d imagine the craziest things, it’s mind blowing that I tortured myself for so long.
My only thought being fear, and not who will I be in this family,
what do I deserve?
Who do I want to be as a wife?
As a mom? As a partner? As a daughter?
As a women?
Who do I even need, to create a successful partnership, so we both grow to our fullest potential?
How do I want to raise my children?
Who do I want to be in this world?
What am I as a women, not going to settle for?
What do I need, from a man?
What kind of man do I want to be the father of my children, as well as my husband?
What are our common spiritual views?
What are our common views on the world?
Are we both tuned into self?
Are we both on a path to consciously heal ourselves?
Does he practice self love?
Does he know, he is more than what he surrounded by?
Does he want more?
Do I want more?
Are we both done, making excuses for life, and waiting for the “perfect time”?
Potential don’t mean a thing, if you don’t even know what you’re working towards. So, 23 and married, figuring out that just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean their meant to be in your life forever. I learned that having a family, is having a partnership. And if the person in your corner, isn’t loving you as a person, a women, a wife, a human, the way you as a person need to strive. You will fall, and you will fall hard. Now don’t get me wrong, people go through things, and that’s not the concern. Always pay attention to how people handle situations. That will never change, unless they change.
In order for people to change, they literally need to have a moment like no other. You must lose everything, and be okay with it, in order to understand that you were working toward an empty future. You need to learn that you will not get to where you are meant to be, in life, as a person, until YOU are mentally, and spiritually connected with self. That could be a lot of different things to many people, but find it because until you find that, you’ll always be lost.
I lost my drive toward spirituality, which made me a dark person. I lost my drive to loving myself, because I was stuck on getting someone else to do it. I lost myself in trying to help someone else grow, while I shrunk. I was pouring and never being poured into. I lost myself, my life, my drive to live, my dreams, my passion, my light. I was gone. Once all that was gone, I lost my relationships with people around me. I lost my marriage. I lost my mind. I lost my sanity. I literally wanted to die.
I was tired of being hurt, disappointed, left, abandoned, ignored, made to feel different, used and freaking abused for my heart man. When you come from a past of, daddy issues, a single mom, a pedophile taking advantage of your youth, becoming cold and a girl that hurt with lust. Not knowing you’re an empath, mistaking love for being human, rape, being alone, never being loved properly. You get tired of trying to find it.
I kept trying to find it in the wrong people. The only person that could’ve changed my life, I looked at everyday in the mirror. Briefly, but never for long enough. I needed to love myself and hold myself accountable. I needed to look in the mirror longer, feed my body things to help grow, workout my body, so I think clearer. Clearing that fog for good, changed myself. I healed by, digging deep, being honest with myself, forgiving myself, and never giving up, until the women that I am and want to be, slowly comes to me. And my life has fallen into place.
I was exactly where I needed to be, every step of the way. And I knew I grew when the last piece of the puzzle finally filled in. I lost my apartment to home invasion. What I’ve been working for, 4 years of my life’s work, gone. And never looked back. I acknowledged my emotions, the situation, accepted it, look for the lesson, and good in the situation! And I moved on, I can’t say when I move out, on my own again, I won’t be scared, I will. But I am aware and ready to take life on. I’ll never settle for less than I want. I will receive, what I put out and accept. Always!