December 13th 2018

December 13th 2018

I saw this quote today “ the person I needed the most, taught me that I didn’t need anyone. “ uh I felt that!!!! The last time I allowed someone to make me feel, like I needed them to be okay, was the last time I was ever broken. I healed myself. I taught myself. I praised myself. I appreciated myself, and I loved myself. And I myself changed my life.

If you know me, you know I am super high energy, happy, funny AF, silly, like I take life very serious but then I don’t at the same time. And anytime I can look back to see where I stopped being that girl/women, it was always because of the feeling that “ I need someone.” It was a cycle, I honestly lost to every time!

I never took the time out to actually, think, worry, care, love, appreciate, myself. I was too busy, not wanting for anyone to leave, so then I made it very hard for others to come in. It always starts somewhere and to be honest, it will never end until you get to the root. I had to dig deep! And be so honest with myself, be real with myself, be blunt, hurt my own feelings and not give a fuck cause bitch we getting better!

I forgave myself for letting myself down, for disappointing myself. I owned up for allowing things to take control over my life. Some things I didn’t have control over but I still forgave myself for that. Even though I couldn’t control things like, my dad abandoning me, to a pedophile using that as my weakness. My mother educating herself and not being around like I’m sure we both would’ve liked, etc.

To then letting my sadness turn into anger and hurting others emotionally through my teenage years, just because I could. To allowing that to turn into guilt, and staying with someone I shouldn’t of! To ruining the next one, then karma came and snatched my soul! To then never stopping, to find myself and falling into another pattern of broken damage love, leaving that getting raped, coming back to the one before only to end with me wanting to kill myself.

I’ll never understand the shame people have in being honest anymore. It happens? What ima do? Stay stuck create a time machine and go back? Hell no, I’m gonna create the tomorrow that I want, today and keep it moving. I truly regret nothing in life. I truly wouldn’t be this strong, I wouldn’t be this accepting of my wisdom, I wouldn’t be this empathic, I wouldn’t be this appreciative for myself, and I wouldn’t be this honestly, amazing.

I wouldn’t be as independent as I am, and truthfully, I can honestly say I couldn’t of been able to see life for what it really is today. Understanding that I was fighting too hard, for others to realize my worth, was only hurting me. I was fighting for everyone else to see it but I never even saw it myself. Once I saw myself for who I was, and acknowledged what I was doing!

My life changed. Everything started falling into place, the way it should. I only got happier, I only became more positive, I only became more resilient toward any negativity. So if you see that I’m a little more open, a bit more different, and bit more happy. I’m just myself, I just actually accept me for what and who I am, and know that NO ONE COULD DO ME BETTER THAN ME.

Life is what you make it, so what do you actually want? And why aren’t you doing it.

Raven-Lewis 🖤🌹

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