December 3rd 2018

Happy Birthday Old Man.

Unknowingly, I keep seeing that it’s my fathers birthday today. I’m not really sure how to feel, when it goes to this subject, I tend to block it out most times. My father turned 50 today, and I am 25 years old today. I can’t remember the last birthday, him and I have spent together, let alone even said Happy Birthday to each other. We’ve definitely let our prides take over, a relationship that could’ve been.

I definitely had daddy issues, and it’s sad to say because I used to think the world of my dad. I truly feel, that’s the last time I’ve look at a man in the best light, until I met my husband. I don’t believe we take that topic serious. There’s thousands and thousands of girls, growing and have grown into women with daddy issues.

I literally married my dad. My dad, always allowed his pride to abandon me, when I felt bad about something. He never owned up, he never took responsibility, he never apologized, and he never tried to comfort me. He always just let me stay in a dark place, he never truly learned to love me. And in turn, I never truly learned what i was supposed to be asking and or expecting from a man because I never got anything.

Now that’s not to say, my past relationships were shit. I just never asked and or knew what I could ask for, I guess. When I met my husband, he rocked my world. He literally was to me so perfect. I never cared about what he had or what he didn’t have. I fell in love with him as a human being first, so everything else came so easy. He made me the happiest I ever been with a man.

Then we got married, life started to happen, and when things got hard he did what my father always did. He lost focus of me, and ran away. I’ve known my husband for 3-4 years and it took him doing what my father did, to me for me to realize that I needed to love myself and not settle, because I don’t want for my dad, to walk away again.

Although my world was shaken, it took me losing my entire being, to then just recently losing everything I had. For me to actually pick myself from the ground up, and be able to forgive them for being human. I forgave them for only knowing what know, I forgive them for being themselves because we are all broken in one way or another.

Once I forgave them, I haven’t felt the need to settle for anything I want. I would never stop them from trying, but I’ll never beg for love ever again. I don’t care what it is, how big or how small. I’m speaking up, I’m confident, and I’m not taking Ish. My happiness is everything, and at the end of the day only I can make that happen and or be taken away. Now does that mean I hate men? Hell no!

I fucking love, love. I want a family, I want a husband for me. I want babies and a future, it’s all I’m working towards. I just now can approach situations, with the mind set of I deserve. I’m still the same chill girl, I just don’t ever feel the need to settle, what’s that? Lol

Goodnight.

p.s I wrote my dad happy birthday on his Facebook page, and I’m hoping for the best.

Raven-Lewis. 🖤🌹

” had to steal these off Facebook”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: