December 2nd 2018

Today was probably one of the best days of my fucking life! I had the opportunity to take holiday photos, as well as to recreate a childhood photo, and book my first gig. Then I called my mom and planned to go to the mall, because I had one of my co workers Erin’s, birthday party to go to. So, as some of you know I’ve been losing weight, so I needed an outfit, so that I didn’t look freaking homeless.

And ended up having an epic night. I really kind of just fell into photography, and honestly I’m so thankful for that moment and opportunity. I can finally see a future happening for me, one that I couldn’t even dream of, but once it started happening, it all became so clear. All I want in life is a family, but I always knew that I wasn’t ready.

I finally realized that having money, isn’t what they mean when they say, you have to be ready. At least that’s what I hope, and I’m not the only one that has realized it. I finally realized that, not being ready, was not being healed. I was never gonna be and or feel fully ready because I didn’t know who I was, spiritually. Once I decided to love myself, I committed to doing whatever it takes to loving myself.

And that only made my life this amazing. Now it was hard, it was a journey! It was full of tears but always getting up. Full of forgiving, understanding and moving on. It was full of uncovering, every single reason I was the way that I was. What I didn’t like and what I was missing. I had to dig deep and fix all that shit within myself. I stopped looking for answers in others and started listening to myself.

I always used to wonder what it felt like when people would say, “ listen to your gut.” I would always question like what the hell does that even mean????? But now I realize that your “ gut feeling “ is that little bit of growth, trying to peak though and help you become more, become a better you. And with self love, you know you’re doing it all because you fucking deserve too.

And that photoshoot, finally made me realize and appreciate everything I was doing the whole time. I was creating a way and a path for myself to be a better me, health wise, mentally, spiritually, and flexibly, to be able to live the life I would love to live with my future family. It’s all becoming clear, and I just keeping impressing and appreciating myself through all this growth and change.

This mall trip, was full of anxiety! My first time buying an outfit to actually get dressed up, in my new size. Which I didn’t actually even know honestly. So I walked in not knowing what to expect and pretty much not liking anything! Uh, my mom was not having it! She picked out out this skirt! And I was like hell no, I just didn’t think I would look good in it! But she knew me, so she kept on and so we found this velvet body suit!

I would’ve never put on a bodysuit before, but once I saw it and I was being more confident, I started coming out! I saw this bomb ass bubble gum fuzzy sweater, then after trying it bunch of others I finally find this bomb black one!!!!! With a hood!!!!! I was like yessss, found these bomb boots I never would’ve worn before either but always wanted too! Got me a fancy pack and I was lit.

My mom was cheering me on the whole time! She was more excited than me, but when I saw the whole thing, my confidence grew even more, literally I was like ugh, what I’ve been working toward is all coming together. The party was the best thing, because I knew everyone could feel my new found energy. It was amazing.

Life is really coming together, that just goes to show, that you are in control of your life. You can sit back and allow bad things in life, make you weak or make you strong. And I wasn’t having it, not anymore. I took everything and saw all the positives and I am creating a better life for myself. And it all started with me.

Raven-Lewis. 🖤🌹

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