My last relationship, became the biggest awakening for me. Spiritually, mentally, and honestly physically. Today, I woke up with a whole new attitude, a whole new demeanor. Today, I’m literally a bomb ass bitch. And it’s not to say that you cannot achieve this, on your own, alone. This is just what for me, literally woke my ass up.
Wrote this when I woke up and felt like posting and elaborating.
I love this so much! The world has a funny way of working, I woke up today and just opened my eyes. There’s a difference between, being insecure, not knowing your worth, and being in a situation that makes you feel that way. It’s not you, it’s the situation, step back and you’ll see. You have to think to yourself, am I waking up everyday, like the person I know, love and want to be? And if not, you should probably move on. It’s very easy to get stuck, because instead of looking outside of you, you simply just look at yourself for blame. Growing into your power, has nothing to do with evilness. Growing in your power is learning to stand up for what you deserve at all times. And in order to learn where you lack, you must suffer until you realize. Growth comes from pain, but trust me, the knowledge behind the suffering, is so much more gratifying than leading a life of lies.
I’m sitting on my old red couch, by the window, with my 55 inch tv, and I’m actually happy. I’m finding joy in the little things again. I’m not full of the emotion of needing. I was needing for something that was gone a long time ago. I can finally sit here and actually know that, I’m gonna get what I want regardless.
And I sit here like damn, I really was a different person. I was really unhappy, when I can sit here today and am so grateful for everything that I have given myself. At 24, I’ve done a lot and I definitely plan to do more, so why was I allowing myself to feel like I haven’t done enough? Don’t know but this is a new day and here I am.
Perfectly and unapologetically me. So hey, girl hey. She’s back!! Back to it though, I spend a bit over a year of my life, fighting to feel what happened almost 2 years ago. For those of you that are new, I was once pregnant at 22 years old. I will get into that in another blog. After that situation, I changed so much.
I became in touch with myself, more than I ever have. I was finally broken, fully, fully broken. To the point of no return honestly. I gave up, I gave up on life, myself, the people around me. And I just hide and I was rarely sober. That little angel kept me safe, and always reminded me that I need to fight. “my white butterfly”.
Eventually, I pick up my pieces and assembled them correctly. I found my spiritual in Buddha, I found my values, I found my beauty, I found myself, literally. Then out of no where, this person came back, and at first I was just being a good friend, later on it turnt into a thing again. I was so happy, like okay I’m ready, I’m found.
I thought it was time, to put forth all that I’ve learnt, because of not having my child and afterwards, understanding the true meaning of my life, my end all purpose and goal. Yes, I have short term goals that I want to accomplish as a women. But being a mom is my best goal, the one that I will die most proud of as a women.
So I went in full force, I was so ready, I was so happy, finally everything is so perfect. I learned the hard way, “everything that glitters, ain’t gold” I never felt that so hard in my life. And I started changing and becoming angry, because I knew in my head what I wanted and what I thought could be. I changed and I solely become someone who was fighting.
Fighting for, I felt I deserved, and was lacking to create that Atmosphere environment and space for me. And it wasn’t in a positive way, because honestly I only got angrier and angrier. I knew what it all could be, I could taste true love, and actually having a family of my own. So I changed and just realized, just because I was, doesn’t mean they were.
It was a struggle getting where I am today, and honestly I don’t even regret a thing. I’m happy to start living with a new sense of happy. Yesterday I would’ve told myself, “ nope, don’t say anything, no one will understand and I’ll just be made to feel ashamed”. Today I don’t give a fuck, because all that got me to where I am today. I’m ready to move forward, and continue to grow. Hope you guys enjoyed this! Till next time.