Communication, probably one of the hardest things, for most people. Growing up, I never felt I had the opportunity to express, reflex, and communicate my needs and wants. I’m way better at writing, than I am at speaking out loud, especially in the heat of the emotion. I’ve never been able to say how I feel, so I had to learn to keep it in, suppress and literally, wait for it to come up later and affect me. I get lost in thought, and every single thing that reminds me of, whatever I’m trying to communicate in that moment comes up. It scrabbles me up inside, I get anger and lose all train of thought.
Now a days, I’m learning that communication, is probably one of the only things that keeps me sane. I have to be able to say how I feel, why I feel that way, and what happened to make me feel that way, with acknowledgement back. When I’m not able to express, I literally shut down. Shutting down for me is so scary, because I am so used to being numb, and I know that once I’m done, I’m done. I’m hoping that with growth and acknowledgment, I can overcome this, but like everything in life, only time will tell!!!!
My fear of becoming numb, to a person is hard to deal with, but I also am learning that freaking out and losing it, gets me no where. I’m learning that if someone cannot, be open and vulnerable enough for me to express, no matter what it is, they don’t deserve my expression. When I am rejected, or not allowed the opportunity to speak, it brings me back to a negative place. Now if someone can do that to me all so willingly, I just have to move forward with my life and learn from all mistakes, mine or not.
When I care, I give, I give all that I have because it’s something I never had. I’m learning that I can only give, as much as I receive. I cannot open my door of vulnerability to people, who would close the door on me, any chance or any time it gets hard. Family, friend, or spouse. I am learning to put me first more, be selfish more, in more ways than others. A good friend of mine, Jennifer my beautiful feminine goddess, told me, only give your time to the people that actually value and know your worth.
Today’s my day 1, tell me when you started this journey, or when you plan to, weather it be random, or it be something you’ve been thinking about. It’s gonna be hard, but I’m excited, nervous and over all happy that I am taking control, over every aspect of my life. Slowly but shortly, I’ll be the women I was always distend to be, before all the chaos came about and slowly took over. I’m fighting for me now.
Trauma – a deeply distressing or disturbing experience
Make a list of things you feel have cause trauma/ and or reasons you feel communication is difficult for you, answer these questions and see where you can go from there. If you cannot think of anything that causes negative emotions, answer these question below and see if that helps.
Questions to ask yourself and answer honestly.
1. how do I feel after reading this?
2. Do I lack the ability to know exactly how I feel and why I feel this?
3. What in my life has created negative emotions? ( make a list )
4. How has these negative emotions affected my everyday life?
5. Why do I get so angry?
6. How can I stop these emotions from happening again?
p.s only you can be honest with yourself, no one knows all that has happened behind closed doors, only you were there. Only you can figure it out. Think deep, and ask yourself
1. what has affected relationships?
2. Was it the same thing/emotion that comes up over and over again?
3. What has caused drama/trauma , that you cannot answer? What are you hiding from yourself?
4. What are you so afraid of?
List all the emotions you feel, and ask yourself
1. is it anger, or is it hurt?
2. Am I mad, or am I just sad?
3. Why do I feel the need to be loud? Do you not feel heard? What has made you feel like your voice isn’t loud enough? Who has made you feel that way?
4. Do you want to change?
5. Do you want to have more positive energy?
6. Are you willing to put in the work? Suffer alittle? Re feel those emotions, so you can finally move on?