Do your emotions, make you spiral?

Its no secret that I have more than a handful of traumas, but it might be a huge secret to some, how those actually affect my day to day life. I am 24 years old, and I married my husband, when I was 23. A lot of people say, that I was too young, and honestly they were right, BUT not for the reasons they think. I wish I would’ve learned to make my life easier, when dealing with my issues. No worries, I’m doing it now! People assume they know you, but really they are just quick to judge, so here’s how I’m starting to not give a fuck.

In my one year of marriage, traumas have affected us both, in more ways than others. Some days I wake up, normal, and other days I wake up, with one bad thought, and oh baby, here comes the spiral. I have anxiety, and a lot of fears, those two combined, can really create a masterpiece, that no one wants to be near. Lately I’ve been spiraling, might I say ALOT! And my husband gets it all.

Yesterday was one of those days, and again I decided to stop in my tracks and get to the gym. ( a part of my self love journey) I love Zumba, there was a 7:45pm class that I decided to go to and on the way there, the thoughts began and I started getting angrier and angrier. Now instead of being emotional, I got a little numb, got to my class, and it was trash, literally worst Zumba I’ve ever been too. I left the class and decided to do treadmill. Each minute that went by felt like seconds, I was so caught up in my own emotions, half the time it’s others people’s judgement, that boils up inside of me. I let the anger become, my feminine power, and I felt so strong in that moment.

Once I finished my workout, I was walking towards Whole Foods, to get some banana milk, some fruit, so I can make smoothies! On the way, theres a bar called Trevi Lounge, I needed a damn drink, so instead I just walked in. Sat at the bar, literally just me and the bartender, alone and a little discouraged. I’ve never been out by myself, I don’t know why I’ve always had this fear of, it’s not a good time if your friends aren’t there.

The bartender and I had a shot together, after my own shot and of course a drink. We started playing Jenga, over sized Jenga, it was my first time. There was an oversized game of beer pong on the dance floor, that I decided to just go ahead and play. At this point I was alone and my phone was dying, I told myself this is not what I expected, so I’m just gonna go home. I walked up to the bartender and I told him I’m gonna have to leave soon because my phone is dying, as some of you may know I don’t drive, I use Uber.

This bartender was the best bartender ever, he saved the day, he had a charger and I was ready to stay for the night. Shortly after these two guys walked in, and they were ready to play. At this point I’m already one drink and two shots in, so I shouted at them, ” come on let’s play “. They came out that night to have fun, and I realized there’s nothing wrong with having fun with strangers.

Last night was the best night of my life on a Monday, and it was just so nice to enjoy myself, with such pure energy, no pressure, and more folks willing to have fun slowly trickling in. The night turned out awesome, we had awesome music playing in the background, we had dance battles, I even showed them the routine that I learned that morning at 9:30 AM at my dance class.

All this to say there are many ways to get out of a funk you just have to want it. So today I’m going to karaoke with the same people, at the same bar and I am so excited to meet new friends today. I’ve been so afraid of attachment my whole life, because of my abandonment issues and all. Then I put myself in this box, of not meeting new people, forgetting what I should be doing at 24 years old. I’m going to enjoy my life and deal with the consequences later, because this hangover was well worth it and I am so excited for another possible one tonight.

Now this doesn’t mean if you’re under age, go out and party to have fun, because at that age there are so many more ways to enjoy your life. You just can’t be afraid of getting out there, and making yourself vulnerable, because yes, sometimes bad will come out of it, but the good is always worth it. I didn’t start drinking until I was 21, so enjoy your fucking life, and have a damn ball.

Raven-Lewis.

🥀.

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