Today life hit me, and it hit me hard straight across the face. I couldn’t pin point what was wrong with me, so I googled, do i have a mental illness? Every single mistake, every single choice I’ve made, every single moment from my past that scarred me, came all at once. I can’t lie, I was losing my mind. Hurt couldn’t stay hurt because so easily it turned into anger. It was hard to breath, and I couldn’t stop questioning, me.
To feel like, your life has no purpose, when you’ve just recently found your purpose. Makes life feel just a bit meaningless, and I can’t lie when I say I felt all so helpless. I couldn’t think of another tomorrow, I couldn’t think of the next hour. It all escalated really quickly, and my entire life felt like a burden. I was a burden to myself, not only because of myself, but because of every person I’ve ever loved.
People hurt people, and that’s just how life happens. It may not always be on purpose, but it doesn’t hurt any less. Everyone has problems, and a long list of things, some wish they never did, and some of those things they needed to do, not to hurt someone else, but to solely save themselves. I’ve saved a lot of people, and maybe I’ve been living waiting for someone to save me.
Every person, I’ve ever believed in, every person I’ve ever saw more in, every person I’ve given to, Including my husband. Normally I’ll just sit at home, and wallow in my sadness and just watch time go by, as every minute turns into depression. I told myself a week ago, that I would never let my presence go. That I would stay in the moment, and fight for every breath, even though honestly and truly, I’m tired of fighting to live.
I lose myself easily, and I think it’s because I feel too much, but then I get more sad because there’s more moments, than that, that I feel nothing at all. There’s no other way for me to explain this, other than to say, my life is such a mess. It’s full of hurt, and Clutter, and I focus on that sometimes and forget, that’s there’s so much more to life, for me, to be discovered.
For the first time in my life, I stopped this moment, from becoming a cycle, I’m all to familiar with. I got off my red couch, got dressed and went to the gym. On the way to the gym, I stopped at Whole Foods, got some fruit and a drink. Walked to the gym, walked and ran the hurt away. Thirty-five minutes later my doubt, is still so deep within, and I knew I couldn’t go home because, it would all just start over again.
Now with out getting into specifics, I came to the place where I was last my happiest. Being that I’m not from my town, I came to the beach, this is the place I got married. I walked the exact path, walk on the exact bridge. Leading me to sand I was, oh so familiar with. I sat down, in my gym clothes, sneakers and all, I grab my water and my fruit, then began to relax.
There were two little kids, a boy and a girl. I didn’t realize they were next to me. Until he threw a bucket of water, Into the sand ditch they build, fell water and seashells, and in that very moment I realized I don’t actually need help. At least for mental illness that is. I realized that life is only as hard as you make it, and that kid was enjoying the hell out of his. His little sister walking back and forth with seaweed, and later on they made some seaweed soup.
I’ve been sitting at this beach for an hour now, and that overwhelming emotion went away. Now I can think, I can think clearly, and now I can breath oh so freely. Two little kids at the beach, saved a random stranger from herself and they probably will never know it. Thank you to their mom, for not making me feel weird, for staring at her kids, build with their imagination and teach me to just live.
Photos below are of today, I hope you enjoy the view, that helped me live.
My wedding day, June 25th 2017.
Today’s view of the spot I got married in.
Standing in the spot I stood, on my wedding day.
My fruit and water.
The ditch that started it all.
The beautiful family, that had no idea they helped me today.
Life is like trying to hold sand, you have to keep reaching and grabbing for it.
Hope you watch this video, and find peace tonight.