( I don’t recognize that little girl, and I can’t remember the last time I did. )
My life has been a hurricane, to me at least. Every life lesson I have ever had, never ended without me being hurt, or me hurting someone else. With that I have finally, finally realized that love is the most powerful emotion we have to offer, and so many people, even many of us, have turned it into such a horrible symbolic emotion, and the part that bugs me out is the fact that, a lot of us don’t even know we’re doing it, nor do we know what real positive, respectful, powerful, energetically amazing for your soul that love can be.
I now realize that, love , love has never been to positive for me. I feel love and I know love but I know the love that destroys people, captures them and crushes people. The love that is pasted down by generations of hurt people that never got the opportunity to be truly happy ( hope you get what I mean by this. ) and had families and passed down hurt, and anger, as love and laughter. I don’t want to live my life like this, and I never want to pass this on to my future children.
Love created me, but I think the two people who loved each other, didn’t know how to communicate their love properly, and by the time it all ended it was just to far gone, and a little too late. I just got caught up in their web, that honestly has hurt me, and broken me down to my core, many, many times before, and even thou I know this, I hope they always know that I never blame them for not teaching me, the things they didn’t learn or couldn’t of known.
Love has abandoned me, more times than I can ever count. And abandonment turned into,me looking for love from someone else, while I was way to young to be searching for anything. At 12 years old love, deceived me and became a crime in the hands of a man that is more than double my age. Oh that man!!!!! That man turnt love into a lush and angry so pure, that I turned it into a “ power “ to hurt other guys, just because I could, with my love “ lust”.
And then the emptiness kicked in, and I was ready for a love that I could make a home out of, but the problem with our love ( my first love ) was? We were screwed up, we were both looking for parents in one another. My father in another state, and his mom no longer here with us. We loved as pure as we knew how, but it just wasn’t enough. We weren’t aware enough, for it to be a successful story, and we both left hurt.
When that hurt turnt into anger, and plain old pain, I was still searching, and that’s exactly what I did. Oh my god, I found a guy that was different, he was so pure, godly kind of pure. He cared, he felt his emotions proudly, he listened, and he always showed up. I got a winner baby, and right out of high school I thought I was set honey, I was like yes!!!! No more searching. I ruined him, such a pure soul and In turn he ruined me and any future I thought could be gold.
Oh and in that ruin, I think the universe knew that could the last straw on this camels back child cause, unfortunately my mother was in a car crash, and the guilt and the anger and the sadness, didn’t matter anymore. My love started to turn over a little bit. Too something, something a little pure again, that left the doors of hopefulness open for me. I swear the universe is so goddamn mysterious, because to make a long story short. I met my husband, in a way that would typically be almost impossible. And here we are.